Academic Job Descriptions

The University President

leaps tall buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a speeding locomotive
is faster than a speeding bullet
walks on water
gives policy to God

The Provost

leaps short buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a switch engine
is as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water if the sea is calm
talks with God

The Dean

leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
is almost as powerful as a switch engine
is faster than a speeding BB
walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
talks with God if special request is approved

The Department Head

barely clears a quonset hut
loses tug-of-war with a switch engine
can fire a speeding bullet
swims well
is occasionally addressed by God

The Full Professor

makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings
is run over by locomotives
can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
can dog-paddle
talks to animals

The Associate Professor

climbs real well
rides the rails
plays Russian Roulette
walks on thin ice
prays a lot

The Assistant Professor

runs into buildings
recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times
is not issued ammunition
can stay afloat with life jacket
talks to walls

The Lecturer

falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
says "look at the choo-choo!"
wets self with a water pistol
plays in mud puddles
mutters to self

The Administrative Assistant

lifts buildings and walks under them
kicks locomotives off the tracks
catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
freezes water with a single glance
is God

Created May 8, 1995. Last updated August 2, 2018.