Academic Job Descriptions
The University President
leaps tall buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a speeding locomotive
is faster than a speeding bullet
walks on water
gives policy to God
The Provost
leaps short buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a switch engine
is as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water if the sea is calm
talks with God
The Dean
leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
is almost as powerful as a switch engine
is faster than a speeding BB
walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
talks with God if special request is approved
The Department Head
barely clears a quonset hut
loses tug-of-war with a switch engine
can fire a speeding bullet
swims well
is occasionally addressed by God
The Full Professor
makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings
is run over by locomotives
can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
can dog-paddle
talks to animals
The Associate Professor
climbs real well
rides the rails
plays Russian Roulette
walks on thin ice
prays a lot
The Assistant Professor
runs into buildings
recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times
is not issued ammunition
can stay afloat with life jacket
talks to walls
The Lecturer
falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
says "look at the choo-choo!"
wets self with a water pistol
plays in mud puddles
mutters to self
The Administrative Assistant
lifts buildings and walks under them
kicks locomotives off the tracks
catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
freezes water with a single glance
is
God
Created May 8, 1995. Last updated August 2, 2018.